Coexist with the alien or deal with it?

Why am I feeling this way? My arms are numb... all the way from my hands to my shoulder blades.

Past events are creeping up on me every day and making my nervous system react like an alien in my body.

Its like hot water down my spine causing a sweat, my scalp feels hot, almost like pins and needles under my skin.

Work is distracting me but every so often something reminds me and the images are back. Followed by the alien.

These extreme feelings have been going on since before Christmas and Im wondering if i will have it for the rest of my life.

Its making me look at things differently, like NYE watching the fireworks over the Thames my vision was blurred with images that I do not want to see when im with friends seeing in the new year. Why do these images haunt me?  Shopping over christmas in crowds of thousands and im just thinking Do I really matter? In the grand scheme of things, does anyone really matter?

Were here to live and to procreate. In the meantime we give ourselves jobs and tasks to keep ourselves busy until we die. We buy things, sell things and invest in property to make our lives a little more fun. We make ourselves important or unimportant. We put ourselves in dangerous situations like boarding a machine with wings and flying across vast oceans for breaks. We make rules and regulations that are kept or broken.

What is this all for?

Everyday I get up, get dressed, come to work and sit here for 8 hours a day working hard and for what? To go home, wash, eat, sleep and get up and do it all again.

I need to find my purpose.

Taster... Whats on my mind right now - 4th Jan 2012

So ive done it. I ve gone and started a blog.
I wanted to get one going to have a place to vent... you know, really let loose.


So let me begin im 25, female, 5.5 and a red head. Forever being told how lovely my hair is, Always being tapped on the shoulder by strangers to tell me how beautiful it is...


And yeah I agree, it is nice...Its red but with different shades, the best one I get (generally from older people) Is "People pay thousands to get hair like that" But I didnt make it! So why should I take the credit? Its not like Im a colourist and I put together all different shades and took the careful time to apply it through my locks. I was born with it... Is it OK to take that as a compliment? I mean- I tame it and pay for expensive conditioners to make it shine... But is that enough to warrant saying "Thanks"?? Sometimes i get really embarrassed and just sort of nod and smile. What is the right way to react??


Its like singers... Adele is being praised for having this wonderful voice... and yeah, its beautiful... but she didnt make it, she didnt 'build' so to speak, she was born with it. Yeah she trained it and yeah she probably exercises it and lets honey run down her throat to soothe it, but its the same thing as my hair.


Like a comedian getting compliments on how funny he is, thats fine because he sat and wrote his material (Or sat and picked good parts from someone elses) either way he has took time to perfect it.


Im not good at compliments. Never took them well... why is that?


I just dont get it.